Dazed and Confused
by kaotic312
Summary: Kakashi's down, Naruto's in the lead and Shikamaru and Temari might just be on the run for their lives. ShikaxTem and other pairings. Kaos reigns! Ooops, chaos reigns ... Please review!
1. Coming in on a High note

**Uhm. I haven't stopped writing "Plans for a Seduction", but this story just wouldn't leave me alone. It was quite persistent and didn't want to wait until I was done with the other story.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto (insert legalese here).**

**o.O.o.O.o.O**

It all started out so nicely. The plan was to neutralize the Hokage before beginning the attack. The Leaf village wouldn't fall apart without Tsunade's leadership, but if she were alive and acting crazy? Hmmm. Definitely a distraction, and one the Sound shinobi were counting on.

The letter-scroll was incongruous. It had been through all the tests, and no poisons were shown to be present before it was delivered to the Hokage's desk along with all the other requests for ninjas.

In fact, the Sound ninjas were getting a bit bored waiting for the scroll to be activated. Didn't the woman ever read her mail?

o.O.o.O.o.O

Tsunade nodded her understanding and gestured for Kakashi to continue with the report on his team's most recently accomplished mission.

Naruto and Sakura stood next to their former sensei, now teammate, as he detailed how they'd successfully managed to thwart a small war in the Land of Rain.

"Well done, all of you. But what of Lord Tomi's reaction?" Tsunade asked as she finished scribbling on a piece of parchment and putting in the 'out' pile.

Shizune picked up the parchment and grimaced at the chicken-scratch writing. She balefully eyed the whopping 'in' pile compared to the small runt-sized 'out' pile. Some of those letter-scrolls had been there a week already. She sighed despondently. They'd be working late. _Or at least I will,_ she thought. _Again._

Tsunade ignored her assistant as she reached over and randomly picked up a scroll, knocking two others onto the floor. Shizune grumbled as she rescued the two letter-scrolls and put them back on the desk. With a deep sigh, she bowed and excused herself, taking the completed parchments out to be dealt with by the appropriate designees.

In the outer office Shizune was surprised to see Morino Ibiki and Shiranui Genma. They nodded to her as she greeted them both formally before Genma indicated he was here to pick up some documents. Then Ibiki stepped close to her as he asked quietly, "Is the Hogake in? I need to speak with her."

Not allowing surprise to show on her face, Shizune nodded. She wondered what this was about. As one of the villages best shinobi and leader of the ANBU's torture division, Ibiki had immediate access to the Hogake at nearly all times. For him to ask to Tsunade's availability, well, this must not be official. She let the small tension in her shoulders seep away. No matter how sure of herself she was, there was something about this particular ninja that always put her on edge. Something about him made her feel … less somehow. Less capable, less smart, less of a ninja.

Ibiki passed Shizune on the way to the Hogake's door. He wondered why she always seemed so stiff around him. _It's nothing_. He told himself, probably just a reaction to his scars. Most women were put off by them, but not usually kunoichi of her level. They usually understood, or better yet, found them to be proof of his strength. Pushing such random thoughts aside, he reached for the door when he heard a soft "pop" from inside.

Shizune and Genma heard the noise too. Neither ninja even bothered to ask what the sound was or if the other had heard anything. They were too good at their jobs for that. Both leaped through the door, Shizune seconds behind the ANBU division leader with Genma close behind. They all knew the sound of an activated scroll only too well.

Both Shizune and Ibiki stopped and stared at the white powered faces standing before them. Tsunade's face was a complete wash of white, coating her face, even her eyelashes were covered as she blinked.

Kakashi, Naruto and Sakura were not as liberally covered, but had obviously been caught up in whatever trap this might be.

Cautiously Shizune started forward only to be stopped by Tsunade's hand being held up imperiously. "No closer!"

"What is it ma'am?" Asked Shizune, even as she opened up her own chakra to use her medical knowledge in deciphering the white powder.

"Not a poison." It wasn't a question, but a statement. Ibiki was also scanning, but focusing on the immediate office, and then pushing his senses out throughout the building and around the general area. Genma was doing much the same.

"No, it's not a poison." Kakashi held up his hand, studying it intensely, careful not to rub the powder further into his skin.

Sakura and Naruto were staring at each other, eyes wide. Both were quiet, for once.

Shizune finished her examination with a small gasp. "It's not a poison, and therefore the scans didn't catch it. But it _**is**_ a very powerful drug."

"Veridone?" Ibiki asked. "It's a hallucinogen sometimes used in interrogation, but …"

Shizune shook her head, "That's part of it, but it's been mixed with nox weed and something else." Frowning she looked back at Ibiki. "Pink Calyx pollen?"

"Hallucinogen, stimulant, and another strong hallucinogen with a sleep agent? That makes absolutely no sense!"

"You can't mix nox weed and that strange pollen together, wouldn't they cancel each other out?" Genma pondered aloud, circling around to the side and being careful to stay clear of the powder.

Shizune nodded. "Usually yes, but look at them. No one is asleep and nox weed affects are immediate.

"But we're not affected!" Naruto mused, then giving voice to his usual self. "Yes! Someone screwed up and it's not going to work on us! We were too powerful for them to harm us! Just one more thing to prove that I WILL be Hokage someday!" He jumped up with a shout of victory, startling everyone in the room.

"It's not that simple Naruto …" began Shizune as she stepped toward him. She neutralized the remnants of the combination drug as she stepped toward the young ninja, only to be brought up short. Was that Kakashi _growling_ at her?

Ibiki stared at the copy-ninja for a heartbeat before grabbing Shizune and pulling her back just as Kakashi leapt in front of his teammate, landing on all fours and definitely growling at them.

"K-k-kaka-shi?" Shizune stammered.

"He's not himself, see?" Ibiki nodded at the white-haired ninja as he settled down at Naruto's feet looking for all the world as Akamaru sometimes did with his owner, Kiba. Standing guard.

"Hallucinogen." Announced Tsunade. "It's obviously affecting Kakashi."

Shizune looked over at her long-time friend, and sensei. "But not you Tsunade?" Belatedly she noticed that Ibiki was still holding her. She pulled away with a reluctance that surprised her.

"Of course not, Shizune." Tsuande's brow furrowed a moment as she looked them all over, "in fact it seems Kakashi is the only one to be experiencing …."

"Someone's approaching." Genma suddenly interrupted, jumping up to hang from the ceiling with chakra even as Ibiki pulled out several weapons.

"Two actually, but their ours." She scolded them both, carefully skirting around Kakashi, still growling at Naruto's feet.

"But who's to say they really are _ours_." Naruto spoke softly, his stance battle ready.

Surprised, Ibiki gave the smallest of nods and Genma winked. Shizune watched in horrified fascination as the door, already ajar, was pushed open.

Temari and Shikamaru stood there looking at them all with puzzlement. "Uhm, we had an appointment with the Hokage." The Nara youth said hesitantly, staring at Tsunade as she wiped the white powder off with a cloth.

"Yah. About the chuunin exams, eh? Good, good. I'm anxious to read the list of the final applicants."

Everyone looked stunned as they stared, once more, at Naruto.

The young blonde stared back brashly. "What? They have an appointment with me, the rest of you can go now."

Sakura stepped up, touching her teammate on the shoulder, "Naruto, you're forgetting something."

"Oh yeah," Naruto rocked back on his heels and smiled sheepishly. "You needed to see me Ibiki?" He said with utter seriousness. Sakura nodded, turning to perch on the desk. Kakashi walked over on all fours, strangely gracefully too, Shizune thought bemused.

"But you're not …" Genma started, still standing upside down on the ceiling.

"Ready for the meeting yet," Ibiki interrupted quickly and harshly. "Don't you want to clean up first?"

Sakura and Naruto looked at each other, still covered in a fine spray of white powder. "Probably wouldn't be a bad idea," the pink-haired girl murmered.

The two headed off for Tsunade's ajoined restroom, with Kakashi crawling after them for all the world acting like a guard dog.

"Nicely done." Shizune whispered, then turned to look at the real Hokage. "What should we …" her voice trailed off as she realized that Tsunade wasn't looking at her. In fact, the Hokage was staring in shock toward the door.

Shizune, Ibiki and Genma slowly turned to see what she was staring at so hard. Shikamaru looked wide-eyed and unnerved, trying not to blink as his Hokage stared through him.

"D … Dan?" She whispered, "I thought you were dead."

Shizune's jaw dropped. Tsunade thought Shikamaru was her dead lover?

"Well, this could get interesting." Genma said stoically.


	2. Of Hugs and Kisses

"What's going on?" Temari asked. "Shikamaru, why do you look afraid?"

"Shhhh," he whispered back to her, then nodded toward Ibiki. "When ANBU looks afraid, I'm feeling pretty confident that we should _all _look afraid."

"Why are you staring at him like that, Hokage-sama?" Genma asked, confused. "Who's Dan?"

"My Uncle." Whispered an appalled Shizune. "He's her former …friend."

"Lover." Ibiki spoke harshly. "And he's dead. Be careful Nara, the Hokage has been affected by an hallucinogenic drug.

"No he hasn't." Tsunade said with great disdain. "He's merely cleaning up, he and his assistant will be back in just a moment."

"What?" Temari squeaked.

Genma shook his head at the two. "Full explanations later, short answer – Naruto is the Hokage and I assume the assistant to be Sakura. Kakashi is playing guard dog, and I do mean that literally."

"Uhm." Shikamaru stared back at the still staring Tsunade. "Hok … ma'am? I'm Nara Shikamaru, I have an appointment with yo…. Er, the Hokage."

Tsunade shook her head, denying his words. "Dan? Why do you pretend to be someone else? Were you on a mission? Oh, you must just be returning to give your report. Come, do that later. I haven't seen you in so long!"

Shikamaru's eyes just couldn't get any wider. Temari coughed, trying not to laugh. Genma was whistling and Ibiki just looked upset. Shizune, though, looked devastated.

"He's not Dan, Tsunade." She tried, "look at me. That's right, look at me. Uncle Dan's gone. He's been gone for a very long time."

Tsunade nodded happily, "and now he's back!" With that, she leapt forward and swept Shikamaru off his feet into a huge hug. "I've missed you so damned much! Do you know how long I've been waiting?" She sprayed small kisses across his forehead.

Shikamaru didn't answer. He couldn't. The young chuunin was struggling to breathe in the tight embrace of his leader, trying hard not to freak out completely.

"This is not good."

Again, most eyes turned to Naruto who was standing in the bathroom door, watching. "Obviously she's been highly effected by this drug. I think it safe to assume this isn't a prank and is possibly a precursor to attack. In fact, it might have been meant to disable me, specifically. With the leader under the influence of such a potent drug, it could cause all sorts of problems, leaving us open to attack.

Ibiki and Genma exchanged glances with Shizune. All three nodded. "Affected or not, the boy …er, Hokage has a valid point."

"Uhm, I hate to interrupt," spoke an annoyed Temari. "But Shikamaru's turning blue."

Ibiki sighed, "You must let him go, Tsunade. Shik… er, DAN needs to be able to breathe."

Tsunade shook her head a bit wildly. "No! I'm not ever letting him go again!" With that her grip tightened and there was a sickening _**CRACK**_.

"Oh shit!" Several voices said at once, but not Shikamaru's, for his eyes were rolling back from the suddenness of a broken rib.

"What the FUCK did you do to my boyfriend!"

There was a moment of supreme, appalled silence and then ...pandemonium. Tsunade dropped Shikamaru down to the floor, crying and begging forgiveness. Shizune was trying to get to the poor boy to assess the damage. Temari was hovering over Shikamaru and shooting death glares at Tsunade. Naruto sent Sakura over to find out how bad 'his shinobi' was injured and Kakashi was growling at everyone in general.

Together, Sakura and Shizune took out the worst of the damage, healing what they could on the spot. Temari ran for the first-aid kit in the outer office, coming back with bandages to wrap Shikamaru's ribs with.

Tsunade watched with horrified eyes. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Dan. Please forgive me. Oh please say you forgive me!" Tears were falling copiously down her face as she begged and begged.

After wrapping the chuunin's ribs tightly, Sakura fixed a stare on Shikamaru and whispering, told him to tell Tsunade she was forgiven.

Temari snorted derisively. "Why? She's the one who hurt him."

"And who the fuck are you, missy?" From crying to outrage in under a second. Tsunade was looking like an avenging angel, bent on destruction.

Shizune was afraid she might be getting a migraine from all of this.

"I'm his …friend." Temari said quietly, trying to heed the looks from both Ibiki and Genma who were gesturing frantically for her to shut up.

"Liar. You called him _**your**_ boyfriend a moment ago." Tsunade fumed.

Naruto whistled, "you might want to leave now." Everyone else nodded.

Temari stood trying to look defiant, but failing miserably. She chewed on her bottom lip a moment, then took Shikamaru by the hand. "Come on …Dan. We need to work on our …mission report. Yep, the mission debriefing will have to wait until we do the report."

Shikamaru stood with her, looking pale as a ghost as he bit back an oath. He gritted his teeth and nodded. The two started to back slowly away from everyone, toward the door.

"You're going nowhere, Bitch. Take your hands off of my Dan this instant. Or else, I will kill you where you stand."

And suddenly, no one moved at all.


	3. Things better left unseen

The silence was deafening. Shizune held her breath, unsure what to do.

"Guard her." Naruto ordered quietly.

With stunned looks, Genma, Ibiki, and Shizune watched as Kakashi leapt in front of the trembling Temari. He growled low and menacing, baring his teeth at Tsunade.

Tsunade laughed unexpectedly, seeming to forget Temari for a moment. "What an adorable dog!"

Naruto gestured from behind Tsunade's view, indicating that Temari should leave the room as stealthily as, well …a ninja. She shook her head at him and flicked her gaze over to Shikamaru. He frowned and shook his head 'no'.

Temari then shook her head in return. It was obvious she didn't want to leave without Shikamaru. And since neither Tsunade nor Naruto were actually her leader, she didn't have any qualms about saying no. Sakura scowled at Temari and pointed at the open doorway, clearly annoyed by the disobedience.

Kakashi yipped and licked Tsunade's hand as she offered it to him to sniff. Shizune shook her head in disbelief as she watched the copy ninja beg to be petted.

Ibiki walked very, very slowly over toward Temari. His eyes never left Tsunade as he approached the blonde kunoichi. As he neared though, he finally looked at her and stared. Temari didn't last long in the staring contest with the head of the ANBU Torture Division. Within a minute she was shaking like a leaf and sweat was beading on her forehead.

Finally, she broke the gaze and with desperation looked over at Shizune. Feeling bad for the girl and knowing how it would hurt her, Shizune flicked her head toward the open door as well. She wanted to explain to the young kunoichi that they had a better chance of keeping Shikamaru safe here than if he tried to leave with anyone other than Tsunade at this point. But she had no way of communicating without breaking the silence, and possibly Kakashi's weird calming influence on the Fifth Hokage.

With downcast eyes, Temari glanced over at Shikamaru who winced as he nodded, adding to the consensus. Her eyes spoke volumes as she stepped back toward the door, finally taking her leave. Unfortunately, while her final message to Shikamaru had been completely silent, Tsunade heard it loud and clear.

The Fifth Hokage clocked Kakashi across the head to knock him out of the way in order to leap towards Temari, who gave a startled squeak. Ibiki grabbed Temari's right arm and tried to pull her out of the way, unfortunately Shikamaru did the same thing on the left side. For a moment, Temari was yanked in two different directions, leaving her right where she had been standing all along.

"Bitch!" Growled Tsunade as she landing right in front of the terrified girl, pulling back her fist to attack.

Luckily Kakahsi had dodged in time to save himself from permanent brain damage, only falling stunned instead of dead from Tsunade's horrendous strength. He revived in time to pounce on his Hokage and deflect the blow to the wall behind the three stunned people.

With a muttered oath, Genma flew from the ceiling where he'd been perched and broke out the side window closest to the three. In an almost choreographed move, Ibiki yanked on Temari's arm, pushing her through the window.

"Run!" He told her sternly. "This is a fight you have no chance to win!"

As she fell through the window, Shizune ran over to watch them land. Them? Shit! Shikamaru had not let go of Temari's arm and weakened as he was, had not been able to withstand Ibiki's strength. Temari landed gracefully on her feet, Shikamaru landed in a heap. On top of her.

Shizune stifled a horrified laugh, biting her lip as she watched the two try and untangle themselves.

"Dan?" Whimpered Tsunade.

Shizune turned her head to see Tsunade beside her, also looking down at the departing couple. She looked so sad Shizune wanted to weep. Then she saw that the Hokage had Kakashi by the throat and the notorious copy ninja was helpless. Horrified, she watched as Tsunade threw him carelessly against the wall with a hard 'thud' and leapt after Temari and Shikamaru.

"Tsunade-sama! Wait, that isn't Dan!" Horrifed, she watching Tsunade land on her feet, cracking the ground and causing the earth to tremble slightly.

"Genma, go after them." Ordered Naruto.

His order was ignored as Shizune prepared to follow her sensai out the window. She was stopped by a hand grabbing the back of her kimono. The material ripped slightly as Shizune was pulled back roughly. From where she landed on her back she looked up, stunned, into the eyes of an angry Sakura.

"Not you. The Hokage ordered Genma to go after them."

"But …" Sakura placed her foot on Shizune's chest to keep her down. At that, the elder kunoichi's eyes narrowed and she prepared to attack. Her arm moved, only to be held up sharply as a strong hand wrapped around her wrist.

With betrayal in her eyes, she stared into Ibiki's dark gaze. "Forgive me, Shizune. But time is essential here, we don't have time to fight those here and still save the young couple. Genma, go after them."

The shinobi in question was not slow on the uptake, nodded and leapt away in a flash of color.

"Why?" Whispered Shizune. Looking up into Ibiki's strong features, she felt so small. Flat on her back and held down by a student no less. _How awful!_

But it wasn't Ibiki who answered. "Because I need you here to find an antidote for this drug, with Tsunade …disabled, you are our best hope. I couldn't send Ibiki, I need him."

Sakura nodded emphatically to Naruto's words, lifting her foot and reaching down to offer Shizune a hand. Dazed, the medic sat up. She turned wide eyes to Ibiki, who shrugged. "He actually is making sense."

"Is Kakashi alright, Sakura?" Naruto asked, heading for the large map of the village and it's surrounding areas. "We'll need him to sniff out if there are any more drugged scroll-letters in the vicinity. We don't know that this attack was isolated to my office."

Ibiki's jaw dropped. He hadn't thought of that. Not only was Naruto making sense, he was actually _leading_. "I always said he was an interesting one," he whispered in Shizune's ear.

Pulling back from the strange sinking sensation his breath made as it tickled her ear, Shizune could only nod. She was slightly ashamed to have to be told by a child what she should be focusing on, especially since he was right.

"Kakashi's fine now." Sakura reported to Naruto who was looking over guard reports for the last two weeks. She stood up from where she'd been healing their 'canine' teammate.

Ibiki eyed Kakashi with puzzlement. "Why didn't he try any jutsus against the Hok …" he glanced at Naruto and quickly changed the word, "against Tsunade-sama instead of raw strength? No wonder he didn't have a chance."

Shizune shrugged, stood. Her ripped kimono sagged in the back, making her stumble slightly. Ibiki caught her to him and steadied her. She got a good whiff of his masculine scent before pushing away with a slight blush. He'd never acted anything more than professional with her, coldly professional at that. She didn't want him to think her weak or in need of support.

"He thinks he's a dog. Dog's don't perform jutsu." She managed to answer. "It's only a guess though, I don't really know."

Why did she feel the need to degrade her own statement, make little of herself? Ibiki had noticed she never did that in front of Tsunade or the other ANBU leaders. "It's a good guess." He told her simply.

"I'll get started on trying to find an antidote." She told him.

"Ibiki, stay with her."

They both protested the order from the diminutive dillusional-Hokage. "Neht." He told them sternly. "Call the ANBU for me. Alert the guard posts. Our enemies will be close enough to sense the activation of the letter-scroll, that limits the range. Have them search. But. You. Will. Guard. Shizune."

"Why? I don't need a guard." Shizune told him, raising to her full height and looking down her nose at the young man.

Ibiki fought the desire to be in on the planning, and to take advantage and stay close to Shizune. Duty won. "My place is in securing this village and it's peoples."

"Your place is to do as ordered."

"It was too good to last, he's losing himself in the hallucination." Ibiki nodded at Shizune. They'd have to take him down and lock him and the others up for their own protection.

"Whoever this enemy is, they aren't stupid." Naruto turned his back, unsuspecting. After all, he was their Hokage.

Ibiki prepared to make his move, Shizune stepped back, allowing him the space. She swept her kimono sleeve back, revealing some of her many weapons. She nodded toward Kakashi and Sakura, telling him she had his back. He smiled. She fought the urge to smile back.

Oblivious, Naruto continued. "They'll know we'll try to find an antidote. The most dangerous mission here will be that undertaking. They'll try to get you and stop you, Shizune, from finding that antidote. Ibiki, you're the only one I trust with this. If you fail, we may have lost Tsunade. If she continues this hallucinogenic marauding, who knows what damage she might cause. And if this madness spreads somehow, who knows what could happen?"

Ibiki was directly behind Naruto, ready to knock the young man out before Sakura or Kakashi could blink. As the young man's words sunk in, however, it was he who blinked. And blinked hard.

"Fuck me blind. He's right."

Shizune, shaking, nodded her agreement. Who knew Naruto had it in him. She'd always respected his loyalty and strength ever since that fight with Kabuto. But now she saw that he might have the potential to actually lead one day.

"Come Shizune, gather what you need. This needs to be over NOW." Ibiki stepped away from Naruto, motioning for her to hurry.

Imperious as always, she grumbled to herself. Why did Ibiki always sound so harsh when talking to her? He wasn't that way with Tsunade.

"Yah, yah. I know it's urgent." She waved at him as she moved to get samples of the drug.

"More urgent than you know." Ibiki's voice sounded ...odd.

"What does that mean, Ibiki?" She stood, saw he was looking over to her left. Turning her head her eyes widened in utter shock.

"Now that's something I wish I'd never seen." He told her. She nodded, unable to speak.

Kakashi sat on one side of the room trying hard to lick his own balls.


End file.
